Days Like These
by Elizagoth
Summary: After parting ways, Beckett shows up at Castle's door.


Author: Elizagoth

Word Count: 13,737

Rating: T (Adult subject matter)

Disclaimer: I own nothing in the following work of fiction.

* * *

"Beckett," Castle said, surprised to see the detective at his door.

He took in every feature of the familiar face he hadn't seen in months. Her teary face looked the same, as if it had been just yesterday that they had seen each other. The last words they had spoken were angry and argumentative, each to stubborn to concede defeat. As a result their relationship, both personal and professional, had been crushed and a frosty game of avoidance had begun.

"Can I come in?" Beckett sniffled. She had tried to keep it together, but the cab ride over had been her undoing. The thick silence of the ride had left her thoughts open to roaming and she had begun to feel overwhelmed by the emotions warring within her.

"Sure, sorry. Come in," he said, shaking himself from his stunned stupor and moving aside. From there he helped her off with her coat and led her to the couch, worried at her compliant behavior.

"Can I get you anything? Coffee? Tea? A drink?" Castle asked, fidgeting for something to do. He had never been very good at comforting crying women who weren't Alexis.

"Water would be great," she murmured, blinking away more tears.

Glad for the distraction, Castle hurried to the kitchen and pulled out a glass. He poured some water from the pitcher in the fridge and brought it to her along with a box of tissues, setting everything on the table in front of her.

"Sorry, I'm such a mess," Beckett said, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue.

"You're still gorgeous," he assured, smiling slightly.

"Is everything alright? I mean, obviously it's not, but what happened?"

Beckett glanced down at the tissue in her hand before looking up at him.

"I'm pregnant."

It came out barely above a whisper, but it was enough to send Castle's heart into his throat. His first reaction was to ask if it was his, but his mind reasoned that she wouldn't be sitting in front of him if it wasn't.

"How-how far?" he stuttered, trying to think up questions that didn't make him sound like a jerk.

"The doctor said about 8 weeks."

Eight weeks would make it the night of the book launch party. They had parted ways in the morning, after their argument.

"Have you decided what you want to do yet?" Castle asked, matching her quiet tone. His question sent her into another round of sobs. Moving from the armchair, to sit beside her, Castle pulled Beckett into his arms and rubbed her back slowly.

"I'm so confused. I don't know," she cried.

"I can't keep it, but I don't think I could get rid of it. What if this is my only chance?"

Castle held Beckett's shoulders and held her away from him, to meet her eyes.

"We both know that's not true."

Beckett stood from the couch, wiping away her tears and beginning to pace in front of the coffee table. Castle watched her, his head going back and forth like at a tennis rally.

"I mean, what about my job? I can't go around solving murders with a baby on my hip," she rambled, running agitated fingers through her hair.

"We'll work it out," Castle said, stepping into her path. He grabbed both her hands, kissing each palm lightly. "It'll be okay."

She looked up at him, wanting desperately to believe the promises she saw in his eyes. Tears welled up again as Castle pulled her into a hug and she let herself rest tiredly against his solid chest. All the energy she had built up on the cab ride over flowed out of her. Beckett noticed she felt exhausted, and her eyes drooped in response as she leaned further into him.

"Why don't we get you upstairs? You can get some sleep and we'll talk everything over in the morning?"

"I-I can't," Beckett stammered, trying to push him away. Her arms felt like lead and the heat from Castle's body was lulling her into sleep on her feet.

"Alexis, and your mother. We haven't seen each other in months," she protested, speech slurring slightly with fatigue.

"Alexis is at a friend's house for the weekend and my mother is off 'getting into character' for her next role. She won't be back until next week," he breathed, cupping her cheek.

"Stay." She relented with a tired nod as she leaned into his hand.

Castle kissed her forehead lightly before leading her up the stairs. He found her a pair of shorts and a t shirt to sleep in and sent her into the bathroom to change.

When he heard the bathroom door latch, Castle laid his head in his hands and briefly let his panic return. How could he have let this happen? They had both been more than a little drunk on champagne and their success, but he thought he had been careful. Castle shook his head, maybe this is a blessing in disguise, he thought. After all, anything that brought Beckett back to his door couldn't be all bad.

His thoughts turned to the baby and he felt his mouth quirk into a smile. Castle pictured a dark haired little girl with her mother's looks and his personality running through the park, laughing when they gave chase. She would idolize her big sister and fall asleep on his lap while he tried to write. The little girl would take every opportunity to tell anyone who would listen that her mother was a superhero and saved the world every day.

Castle was pulled from his thoughts by Beckett's return. She had rolled the too big shorts over a few times and the shirt draped loosely over her lean frame. With a hand holding her elbow, she stood awkwardly in the doorway, unsure.

"Everything is all set," Castle said as Beckett climbed into bed.

"I'll just be on the couch if you need anything." He was almost to the door when a quiet voice called his name.

"Castle? Can- could you stay?"

Castle turned and saw the warring emotions on her face in the dim light. She was afraid and vulnerable and he could guess what it must have cost her to ask for help. He knew she wouldn't ask again if he said no.

"Sure. Just let me get changed."

He grabbed a pair of pajama bottoms from the dresser and disappeared into the bathroom. Quickly changing and brushing his teeth, he walked back into the bedroom and slid under the covers. Castle lay stiffly, unsure what the boundaries were between them, but then Beckett was curling into him and he loosely wrapped his arms around her. She moved closer, until he could feel her every breath on his neck, and sighed sleepily. With her pressed so fully against him, Castle imagined he could feel the slight baby bump that held the best parts of both of them.

XxxxX

It was early when Castle woke. For those first few seconds he enjoyed drifting in sleepy unknowingness, until he remembered the night before. His gaze fell on a sleeping Beckett, on her back with one arm above her head on the pillows. The too big shirt had ridden up, exposing her taut abs and he stared wonderingly, fighting the urge to touch. With Meredith, pregnancy had been something she tolerated, but had never embraced. He wasn't sure about Beckett, but as he had been from the first moment he had known Alexis existed, he was enthralled. The arm came down from above Beckett's head and grabbed his hand, startling him. She didn't say anything as she put his hand on her stomach. Visibly there was no marked difference, but Castle felt a firmness that he knew was nothing to do with her muscle tone.

"I'm sorry I walked away," he said, rubbing his thumb back and forth, watching her skin breakout into goose bumps.

"It takes two to tango Castle," Beckett replied, putting her hand over his.

"I never took the deal," he confessed.

"My publishers wanted more Nikki Heat, so I've been working on another book. I should have said something before now."

"I probably wouldn't have listened. We both said some stupid things, so let's just forget about it."

He nodded, propping his head up with his elbow and threading their fingers together. Beckett sat up and he let go, turning his head to look up at her.

"It's totally your decision and I'll support you without question, but I really hope you consider keeping it. I think I could give a baby, and you, a good life."

Beckett sighed. "That's just it Castle. I don't want to rush into anything because we're having a baby together-"

"No, no rushing. We'll take it a step at a time and if by the time the baby gets here, we've decided we're better off apart, then we'll make a new plan… or chop the kid in half." Beckett felt a laugh and a smile escape, despite her best efforts. She wondered how she spent the last two months without him.

"Alright," she sighed dramatically, rolling her eyes.

"Just remember this conversation when I'm hormonal and cursing the day we met."

"How is that different from every day we worked together?" He laughed as she cuffed him in the shoulder, and got out of bed.

"Now on to step one. Breakfast," Castle declared with a decisive nod of his head.

She showered and donned his housecoat overtop of the borrowed pajamas while he cooked. As Beckett came down the stairs, the smell of eggs hit her and she was surprised to feel hunger for the first time in weeks.

"Milady," he said, putting a plate in front of her as she slid onto a chair.

Castle poured her a glass of orange juice with an apologetic look, stating that they didn't have any decaf coffee. She accepted the glass and took a few careful bites, glad not to feel the ever present nausea.

"How is it?" Castle asked as he came to sit beside her.

"Good, really good. This is the most I've been able to keep down in awhile," she said.

"Maybe she just likes her daddy's cooking," he beamed. Not about to deny him his moment by stating obvious facts, Beckett just shrugged and went back to her toast.

XxxxX

"You ready to go?" Castle asked, walking into her apartment.

It had been a week since Beckett had decided to have the baby and they had fallen into an easy routine. Even though they had decided against telling anyone for a few more weeks, Alexis hadn't been surprised at Beckett's sudden return into her father's life. The three had enjoyed dinners together the rare nights Beckett wasn't down at the precinct working. Castle had become a regular fixture among the police of the 12th again, thanks to a convenient call from the mayor. Montgomery and everyone else were suspicious, but didn't ask as Beckett seemed happier than she had been since Castle left.

"I don't know if I can do this," she said, bringing her hands to her stomach, where a small bump could be felt, but not seen.

"Why not? It's only a sonogram," Castle said calmly, knowing the last few days had been rough. Constantly tired, Beckett found herself struggling to keep awake during the routine aspects of her job. Morning sickness had been ever present, and on the nights they had dinner, usually it was just eggs and toast.

"What if something's wrong?" Beckett said quietly, surprised to find her lower lip trembling and her eyes filling with tears. Her hormones had manifested into mood swings that caused her emotions to change on a dime. Usually Castle was the recipient of Beckett's chaotic moods, but when she had lashed out at Ryan for something out of his control, Castle had to keep from laughing.

Castle pulled her into his arms, rubbing her back slowly.

"Everything will be fine. I promise," he soothed.

"I'm sorry," said Beckett, pulling away after a moment.

"It's okay. You ready to go now?"

Beckett nodded and Castle led her down to the waiting car. He held her hand, grasping the rare opportunity to be affectionate. She had laid down strict ground rules for how they should behave while at work, and while everyone knew or suspected they were together, they kept their public displays down to fond looks and the occasional lingering touch. Behind closed doors they were more relaxed, but still agreed to take things slowly. Beckett had refused to spend the night again, and Castle had stayed at her apartment once when Alexis was away.

The car pulled up outside the clinic and Castle offered Beckett his hand to help her out of the car. They checked in and were told to sit in the waiting room. Beckett brushed off Castle's fussing, but refrained from snapping at him like her hormones demanded.

"Lanie knows," Beckett said, breaking their silence.

"I thought we weren't telling people yet," Castle frowned, slightly hurt.

"I didn't tell her! She's a doctor, she guessed!" Beckett said, lowering her voice when a few people looked their way. As far as the press knew, they were back working together, but no one had proof of anything else.

"You told her not to tell anyone else, right?"

Beckett nodded and they went back to their silence. It wasn't long before a nurse called Beckett's name and lead them to a room in the back. Castle waited in the hall while Beckett changed into a gown, then helped her up onto the exam table. A technician appeared a few moments later, and guided Beckett through the procedure. When a grainy image appeared on the screen, she took Castle's hand and looked up to see him as amazed as she was.

The technician pointed out the baby's developing appendages and its still overly large head.

"And that flickering there is the baby's heart beating. Here," the technician said, flipping on a set of speakers. A rapid thumping filled the room and Beckett felt tears come to her eyes. Again she looked up and Castle wasn't faring much better. She closed her eyes as he pressed a kiss to her temple and squeezed her hand lightly.

"Everything looks good," said the technician.

"If you want a printout, ask at reception. Other than that, you're doctor will schedule another scan at your next appointment."

She looked over the scans again, making sure she didn't miss anything and left the stunned couple alone.

"This is really happening isn't it?" Beckett said, bringing a hand to her stomach. Castle couldn't help but grin as he covered her hand with his own.

"There's a real baby in there," he said.

"Our little Thumper."

Beckett turned and gave him a strange look.

"We are not calling the baby Thumper," she said.

"I can't keep calling her It. It is so impersonal. Plus, don't get me started on the Stephen King creepiness. I would prefer not to think of our child as a psychotic, man-eating clown," Castle defended.

He paused for a moment. "I suppose we could go with Pepe. She did kind of look like a shrimp."

"Stick with Thumper. The last thing I need is you talking to him with some weird Spanish accent," Beckett said, as she pulled her clothes on.

"Her," interjected Castle.

"Him. Call it mother's intuition."

"Her. Call it right."

"I think I would know better than you what _he's_ going to be," said Beckett, putting her hands on her hips and fixing him with a stare.

"How about this, I'll make you a bet. If she turns out to be a boy then I'll let you pick his name. Anything you want and I get to pick the middle name."

"And if he's a girl?" Beckett asked, intrigued.

"If _she's_ a girl, then I get to pick her name and you get to pick the middle name."

"Okay," she said, pausing to think. "I'll see your baby names and raise you."

"Oh?"

"If it's a girl, I'll move in with you and Alexis. No more arguing."

"I'm listening," he said, stroking his chin comically.

"If it's a boy, you have to work harder to convince me that this is a good idea."

"Hmm," Castle said, thinking it over.

"Deal."

"Deal," she said, shaking his hand.

"Kiss to seal it?" asked Castle, grinning impishly.

Beckett rolled her eyes, but kissed him lightly, then pulled him into the hallway. They stopped at the reception desk where they were handed two copies of the sonogram photo, then made their way back out into the cold.

XxxxX

"Mr. Beckett, Sir," Castle said, shaking the older man's hand. Beckett and her father walked into the apartment, Beckett stopping to kiss Castle's cheek quickly.

"Please call me Christopher."

"Christopher this is my mother Martha Rogers and my daughter Alexis." Christopher shook hands with each woman, blushing lightly when Martha complimented him.

Castle got everyone settled in the living room, then retreated to the kitchen to check on dinner. Beckett watched her father for a few moments, making sure he was comfortable before following Castle. She noticed there was no a drop of alcohol in sight, the usually stocked wine cooler was empty and even Martha was sipping coffee.

"Hey," Beckett said, putting her hand on Castle's arm.

"Thank you. For you know."

Castle kissed her gently. "It was no problem. Seeing mother step up to the task of drinking it all was nothing if not entertaining."

Beckett's eyes widened and she turned her head to study Martha worriedly. It was then she caught Castle's smirk out of the corner of her eye.

"You are such a child," she huffed, smacking his chest.

"My dear, how you wound me." He put a hand on his heart, swooning dramatically. Giving up, Beckett rolled her eyes and rested her elbows on the counter.

Castle noticed how tired she looked and massaged her shoulders lightly, trying to release some of the tension.

"Everything is going to work out just fine," he assured.

Mindful to keep her tone low Beckett shook her head where it rested on her crossed arms.

"What if they freak out?" she mumbled.

"Kate, we're not teenagers. They can't ground us and send us to bed without supper," he laughed. His amusement quickly died when she fixed him with an irritated stare.

"Whatever happens, we're in this together. Me, you and Thumper." Castle let his hands drift forward under her loose shirt to rub the slight bump, glad the counter hid their movements from prying eyes.

"I just want this over with," Beckett groaned, standing up straight.

"Well dinner will be a few more minutes. We can do it now if you want."

He watched her closely, monitoring her reaction.

She sighed and nodded. "I guess we'll have a little less explaining to do if the baby decides he doesn't like what you cooked."

Castle laughed, hugging her and placing a kiss on her forehead. They held hands as they went to join their families in the living room, sitting down on the couch beside Alexis.

"So I guess you want to know why we called you all here tonight," Castle started, gravely. Beckett rolled her eyes and gave him her best 'get serious' look before moving on.

"We wanted you to be the first to know," she said, hoping Castle couldn't feel the tremble in her hand.

"We're having a baby. I'm pregnant."

At first three sets of equally wide eyes stared back at them. Alexis was the first to snap out of her stupor.

"Oh my god!" she said, hugging Beckett tightly. "I'm going to be a big sister!"

The couple stood to receive congratulations from their parents, while Alexis beamed from the couch.

"Congratulations, darling," Martha said, hugging her son.

"My little Katie's all grown up," Christopher laughed, using his sleeve to dab the tears from his eyes.

"Dad don't, you're going to get me started," Beckett sniffled, trying to fight the tears that were beginning to form.

He apologized, hugging her. "Your mother would be so proud of you."

"I wish she was here. I miss her so much," she cried, soaking her dad's jacket.

"I know, love. I do too, but she'd be so happy that you're starting your own family. You're going to be a fantastic mother Katie. I love you."

"I love you too Daddy."

A timer went off in the kitchen and Castle left to attend to dinner, while Beckett answered everyone's questions.

"How far along are you?" asked Martha.

"Ten weeks," Beckett said, smiling.

"I'm due in June."

"Can I feel it?" Alexis asked.

"Sure, there's not much to feel yet though," she said, putting the girl's hand over the small bump. Alexis seemed to be as fascinated as her father had been and Beckett felt the tears start up again when the red head gave her an excited smile.

"This is the worst part," Beckett sighed as Alexis handed her a tissue.

"I was the same way," Martha sympathized. "Had to go off stage right in the middle of my monologue, because I just couldn't keep it together."

"How did you do it? I mean, I'm tired _all_ the time," Beckett said, taking the opportunity to learn from the voice of experience.

"Nap, and often," Martha laughed. "It gets easier kiddo, don't worry."

She patted Beckett's knee as she walked by to help Castle who was signaling for help from the kitchen. As she helped him take everything from the oven, Castle sent Alexis to set the table and then they were sitting with their heads bowed while Christopher said grace.

XxxxX

The piano could be heard as they walked arm in arm up to the door. Beckett was beginning to enjoy the surprise of opening the Castle front door. One never knew what they would find. As it turned out Martha was sat beside a man on the piano bench. Soft jazz was being coaxed from the keys as Castle helped Beckett off with her coat and hung both up in the closet. Behind the dining room table, the fireplace warmed the apartment and cast flickering shadows across the space.

Martha smiled and nodded her head in greeting as her companion segued into Sinatra's _'The Way You Look Tonight'_.

"May I have this dance?" Castle whispered, coming up behind Beckett.

She turned to find him holding out his hand. Castle easily swept her in his arms with one hand on her back, like he had at the ball. This time instead of a ball gown and his mother's diamonds, she wore a simple knee-length cocktail dress, loose to hide the small baby bump that seemed to have developed over night. And this time, she laid her head on his shoulder, like she had wanted to all those months ago. Martha hummed the lyrics as they swayed gently to the music and enjoyed the simple comfort of just being together.

"I had a really good time tonight," Castle said.

"I'm glad you let me take you out."

"Me too. Although the waiteress was obnoxious, but I'm glad you didn't sign her chest."

"I'm nothing if not a gentleman," he grinned.

They were quiet for a few beats more before he spoke again.

"Have you thought any more about moving in?"

Beckett sighed and he felt her exhale against his neck.

"Castle-"

"Rick, please. I think we've more than reached a first name basis," he said, prepping for what he knew was coming.

"Rick, then. I'm only eleven weeks along, we still have months to think about it. It all just feels too sudden for me. I mean we've only technically been back together for three weeks."

"I feel like I've known you forever," Castle whispered, placing a kiss on the top of her head. Beckett lifted her head to look into his eyes.

"I don't want you to make a mistake because you feel obligated," she confessed, using her last plausible excuse.

"I couldn't, not with you. Please Kate, move in with me. I want us to be a real family. Me, you, Alexis, and Thumper. I don't want her to be shuffled back and forth between homes, and Alexis loves having you around."

"What about your mother?" Beckett asked, lamely grasping at the fragments of her resolve. Castle raised an eyebrow and stopped them to look at Martha, who was watching her pianist with one elbow leaning on the piano.

"Some days I don't even think she knows I live here," he stage whispered, making Beckett laugh.

"So how about it?"

Again she sighed, feeling the last of her defenses fall.

"Fine, but I don't want to hear any complaints from the peanut gallery when you're sleeping on the couch because I'm cursing you up and down the eastern seaboard," Beckett said, eyes sparkling mischievously in the firelight.

Castle made a show of zipping his lips and throwing away the key.

"We'll have to rethink the terms of our bet," said Beckett as the song came to a close.

"I say we play for what we always do, pride… or clothing," he grinned, ever hopeful.

She laughed as they clapped for Martha's companion, and wondered what she had just gotten herself into.

XxxxX

Beckett put the last of her clothes in the box, sealed it and wrote 'Bedroom' on the side. Picking it up, she carried it out to the living room where Castle, Ryan, and Esposito were moving the larger furniture down to the waiting moving truck. There was no one in the living room, so she took the box out into the hallway and began down the stairs.

Halfway down she met the three men, who all rushed to take the box from her.

"Sweetie, we talked about this. You shouldn't be carrying anything," Castle said, leading her back up the stairs as Ryan took the box to the truck.

"I'm pregnant, not invalid," Beckett huffed, shrugging off the hand he put on her shoulder.

"It was a box. It's not like I'm trying to carry the damn couch downstairs by myself."

"I know, I know," he placated.

"But stress isn't good for Thumper. So just stay put and relax."

She sat on the couch and glared at Castle's back as he walked into the bedroom to gather more things. From the corner of her eye, Beckett noticed Esposito trying to keep from laughing.

"Something funny, Esposito?" she growled, folding her arms over her baby bump.

"Not a thing," he said, following Castle down the hall. Beckett heard him laugh something about 'Thumper' and was glad to hear his yelp as her projectile shoe narrowly missed his head.

Between the three boys they managed to get the rest of her things moved out while Beckett alternated between bossing them around and reading a magazine. Finally the only item left was the old burgundy sofa she occupied.

"Alright, boys, let's get this in the truck and we can get out of here," Esposito said, as they approached the couch. They all stopped as Beckett remained seemingly engrossed in her magazine.

"Uh, Beckett?" Ryan said.

"Yes?" she asked innocently, not looking up from the images on the paper in front of her.

"We need to move the couch," Castle said, starting to get a bad feeling.

"Okay, go on then. After all you told me stay put and relax," she said, looking up at them and smiling sweetly. Castle looked to the other men for support, but they wisely moved to each grab one end of the couch.

"She's not serious, come on guys," Castle said as Ryan and Esposito carried Beckett and the sofa out the door. Realizing the stairs came next, Castle's eyes widened and he hurried after them.

"Be careful," he fussed, stuck behind Ryan on the narrow stairwell.

"I don't see you helping Castle," Esposito grumbled.

"And this is your fault," Ryan agreed.

Finally, they reached the lobby and set the sofa down, panting heavily.

"God Beckett, what's that kid weigh? Like Six hundred pounds?" Ryan gasped.

"It's not my fault!" Beckett sobbed.

"I know I might have put on a little weight, but it's not like I can help it." Before he could apologize, she had run outside and into the cold. They all ran out the doors, following her, only to find Beckett laughing hysterically as she leaned on the truck for support.

"You guys are so gullible," she said, sobering. All three men stared at her for a moment, waiting to see if she was serious before going back inside for the couch.

Hours later when the last item had been put in storage and the last piece of clothing hung up, Beckett lay tiredly on the bed she now shared with Castle. He appeared in the doorway, leaning against the frame to watch her for a moment. She had lifted her t shirt up to rub the bump that was starting to show.

They had told Esposito, Ryan and Captain Montgomery shortly after she had agreed to move in with Castle. Her symptoms had begun to become more obvious and even Montgomery noticed her wardrobe had changed. Beckett still felt constantly tired, and her emotions were still all over the place, but her morning sickness had begun to abate.

Castle had spoken privately with the two other detectives, asking them to watch out for Beckett when she was in the field. He, himself made sure she ate properly and at least attempted to get adequate rest, much to Beckett's annoyance.

"How's Thumper doing?" he said, coming to lay on his side beside her.

"Fine, doing what all thirteen week old babies do" she said, putting his hand on her belly, knowing he wouldn't do so without her permission.

"And Mom?"

She gave him a look. "Mom? Really?"

"Mommy? Mama?"

Another blank stare.

"Well she can't call you Detective Beckett."

"I guess it's just going to take some getting used to," Beckett laughed, rolling to face him. He pulled her close enough to feel the baby between them, kissing her deeply.

"Rick, I'm exhausted."

"Don't fall asleep yet, I've got one more thing to show you."

She groaned, rolling onto her back and putting an arm over her eyes.

"That means I have to move."

"Come on," he said, pulling her up by her hands.

When she was standing, Castle gathered her into his arms as she laughed and wrapped her arms around his neck. He carried her to the room at the end of the hall, telling her to close her eyes before he opened the door. Beckett did as she was told and felt him carry her through the doorway and carefully set her down on her feet. Castle let go of her and walked to the middle of the room, telling her to open her eyes.

Looking around, Beckett took in the room, empty accept for a familiar antique rocker and Castle holding a plush rabbit.

"Wha-"

"I thought we could use this as the nursery. Your dad brought over the chair, he said it used to be your grandmother's."

"It was," she squeaked, trying in vain not to cry.

"We have pictures of my mom holding me, sitting in it."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought it was a good idea, I mean-"

She silenced his rambling with a teary kiss.

"It's perfect. Now what's with the bunny?"

"It's for Thumper. When I found out Meredith was pregnant with Alexis, the first thing I ever bought her was Monkey Bunky. I thought a rabbit was fitting this time."

Beckett took the stuffed animal from him, marveling at how soft it was. It had light salt and pepper fur, with a brown button nose and long floppy ears. The oversized feet contained bean bags to make them droopy.

"I named Monkey Bunky, but I figured you could name this one," he smiled, wrapping an arm around her waist.

"Bunny," she whispered, stroking the rabbit's soft fur.

"Bunny? How original," Castle grinned, kissing her forehead. She gave him a pouty frown and he relented.

"Bunny it is. A bunny for our little Thumper."

XxxxX

Beckett looked up at the white board, hands braced on her lower back. The chain of evidence seemed to point to one Calvin Clark. He had murdered his wife and another man after catching them together in bed. The man's body had been less a certain body part and the wife had been positioned in a store display window, with loud, angry graffiti surrounding her.

Clark had been admirably good at playing the cat and mouse game, fooling everyone into thinking he was a grieving husband. Upon further investigation however, more and more things began to point to Calvin Clark. A judge had granted Beckett a warrant to search Clark's office and it turned out the paint used at the wife's murder scene had been found suspiciously on a set of clothes that were found in his desk. It was enough to arrest him and serve a warrant to look through his apartment for more evidence to convict.

"Hey Beckett, we're heading out to pick up Clark. You coming?" Esposito asked, hoping she would decline.

"Yeah, I'll meet you there. No one goes in until I get there, I don't think he'll go quietly." Nodding, Esposito followed his partner out of the bullpen.

With one final look at the white board, Beckett turned to Castle sitting at her desk, wincing slightly.

"Everything okay?" he asked, worried.

"I'm fine. My back is just bugging me today, but Dr. Fielding says that's normal."

Castle stood and pulled her into his arms, massaging her lower back lightly. Her head dropped to his shoulder, glad no one else was in sight, and she sighed gratefully.

"They won't think any less of you if you don't go, you know," he said quietly.

"It's my case. I can't just stop working because I'm pregnant. That's not how it works, Rick and you and I both know it."

"Okay," Castle relented.

"Let's go finish this up so we can get you home. You and Thumper need a good night's sleep."

Too tired to argue, she nodded against his neck before pulling away and heading out to their car.

Outside Clark's apartment they donned their bullet-proof vests, Beckett sighing when she noticed how tight hers was getting. After a mild protest, Castle agreed to wait in the car while they arrested the man.

The apartment was a five story walk up, and the three detectives entered, guns drawn and ready for anything. They reached Clark's door in short order and Ryan banged on the door, announcing their presence. Esposito noticed Beckett lower her gun and bend over, bracing her hands on her thighs and taking a few deep breaths.

"You okay Beckett?" he asked, keeping his gun at the ready. She nodded, recovering a moment later.

Esposito kicked the door down and they rushed in, finding Calvin attempting to escape out his window and down the fire escape. The three detectives gave chase, with Beckett and Ryan running back down the stairs, while Esposito pursued Clark down the fire escape.

He ran past the squad cars and Castle watched Clark get tackled, his lanky frame scraping on the pavement. Ryan burst out of the doors, shortly followed by Beckett as Esposito was cuffing Calvin. Castle watched him scowl as Esposito started reading him his rights, then Ryan help haul him to their car.

The writer got out of the car, noticing Beckett's steps falter as she walked toward him. A moment later he watched her collapse to the ground, doubled over in agony. She bit back a scream as Castle ran to her, calling her name.

"Kate! Kate, honey, talk to me. What's wrong?" he asked, falling to his knees beside her. Esposito noticed what was going on and left Ryan to finish loading Clark himself.

"It hurts," Beckett managed to gasp as she clenched her jaw against the pain.

"Okay, we've got to get you back in the car," Castle said, as Esposito came to stand slightly behind him.

"Do you think you can stand up?"

Beckett shook her head as she curled further into herself.

"Alright."

Castle leaned forward, putting one arm behind her back and the other behind her knees, attempting to lift her. She cried out and he put her back down, running a hand through his hair.

"We need an ambulance," he said, looking to the detective behind him. Esposito frowned, grabbing his hand.

"What the?"

Castle looked down at his hand, feeling his heart stop when he saw the crimson color that covered his hand and snaked up his coat sleeve.

"Get her in the car man, we've got to go now," Esposito said, sprinting back to Ryan and telling him to book Clark.

Castle took off his coat, wrapping Beckett up and lifting her, fighting tears as she screamed.

"I know, I'm sorry," he said, hurrying to the police car where Esposito sat behind the wheel.

He slid into the back, careful not to jar Beckett anymore than was needed and shut the door. Cradling her in his arms, Castle pressed a teary kiss to her temple, whispering assurances in her ear.

"It's Thumper," she murmured, trying to keep her glassy eyes focused.

"Something's wrong."

"Shh, it'll be okay. We'll get you to the hospital and you and Thumper will be fine," Castle rambled, feeling the tears running down his face.

Beckett fell into a semi-conscious state as more color drained from her face, leaving her skin in a cold sweat, while Castle prayed for the first time in longer than he could remember. He rested their joined hands under her vest on the baby bump, glad he could feel it through the layers she wore.

"Hang on darling," he whispered.

"Daddy loves you."

XxxxX

With the sirens on, they made it to the hospital in record time, despite the holiday traffic. Esposito opened the car door for them, then ran ahead to find a doctor. Castle carried Beckett through the sliding doors, and put her on the gurney that appeared. Holding her hand, he jogged alongside the bed answering the doctor's questions until they reached a set of double doors.

"I'll be here when you get out," Castle said, kissing her hand. She nodded, slightly coherent.

"I love you, Rick," stayed with him as the heavy doors swung closed.

Esposito was in the waiting room and grabbed Castle's shoulder in a show of support. Looking down at the bloody coat in his hands, Castle set it on a chair and sat down hard in the one beside it. Esposito had the decency to look away while the writer broke down.

A nurse appeared a moment later to take them to the surgical wing, and informing them that Beckett had named Castle her temporary next of kin. It would take her father hours to get in from Philadelphia. They were shown to the waiting room and told a doctor would be with them shortly.

Castle pulled it together and called his mother and Alexis, who arrived just as Beckett's doctor appeared.

"How is she?" Castle asked, as Alexis curled into his side and rested a supporting hand on his back. Dr. Fielding looked questioningly at the three other people present, but Castle nodded for her to continue.

"I'm sorry, but she has miscarried."

Squaring his jaw, Castle inhaled deeply to fight the rising nausea.

"Her body isn't ridding itself of the child on its own, so we're going to have to remove it surgically."

"Is she awake?" Castle managed to ask around the lump in his throat.

"No. We've sedated her to prep for the surgery."

"Can I see her?" he asked, voice faltering slightly. Dr. Fielding nodded, indicating he should follow her down the hall. She led Castle to the room Beckett was in and closed the door behind him.

Beckett looked pale and fragile laying in the hospital bed. She had been put into a crisp hospital gown and an IV had been attached to her hand. Not knowing what to say, Castle placed a light hand over the slight baby bump that held the child he had barely gotten to know.

"Daddy's going to miss you Anna Rose," he breathed, using the name he hadn't gotten tell Beckett he'd chosen.

Beckett didn't stir as he placed a gentle kiss on her forehead.

"I'll be waiting for you. I love you, Kate Beckett."

A nurse came in to take her to the operating room and directed Castle back to the waiting room.

"Oh! Mr. Castle, they said to give you these back as well," the young woman said, handing Castle a stack of things. He looked down, feeling tears well up again as he held Beckett's Police vest, badge and gun.

"Thank you."

He held the vest as he walked numbly back to the waiting room. Five eager faces looked up at him, Ryan and Captain Montgomery having arrived while he was in with Beckett. They all looked to him for answers that he didn't have. He felt like everyone wanted something from him, when all he wanted to do was hold Beckett and his baby and know everything was okay.

"I-I," he started, looking down when he felt the tears start again. Martha stood from her chair and pulled him to her. The badge and holstered gun clattered to the floor as Castle wrapped his arms around his mother and cried into her neck.

"I know, darling. Let it out," she soothed, putting one hand on the back of his head and the other rubbing his back.

Eventually his grief lost momentum and settled into an aching heartbreak that he knew wouldn't be disappearing any time soon. They all sat in silence, Ryan holding Beckett's gun and badge, while Alexis fell into a light doze on her father's shoulder.

The hours slipped by as evening turned into night. Martha and Alexis brought everyone coffee and sandwiches from the cafeteria, but all Castle could do was grip Beckett's vest and stare at the doorway. As the clock on the wall approached midnight, Castle finally sent everyone home, letting them know he would call when there was something to tell.

Esposito carried a sleeping Alexis out while Martha hugged her son and told him she'd bring him a change of clothes in the morning. Ryan took the Police vest and told Castle he'd lock everything up with her cell phone at the station.

"She'll be okay, Castle," Captain Montgomery said, patting the man's shoulder.

"Beckett's the toughest person I know."

Castle nodded and watched them go, then returned to his chair, with only the tick of the wall clock to keep him company.

XxxxX

Dr. Fielding came in a few hours later, shaking Castle awake.

"How's Kate?" he asked, instantly awake.

"She's doing fine. They're taking her up to a private room now, you'll be able to see her in a few minutes."

"And the baby?"

"A girl, about three months along. I'm very sorry for your loss."

He nodded, biting his lip in an attempt not to cry.

"We had some trouble getting the bleeding stopped. It's under control now and I've ordered a transfusion, but the risk of infection is significantly higher. We're going to monitor it and if everything checks out, you should be able to take her home in a few days," Dr. Fielding explained as she walked with Castle to Beckett's room.

"I'll have a cot sent up for you," she said at the door.

"Thank you, Doctor."

Castle hesitated at the door, his hand hovering over the handle. If he went inside now, it would mean it was real. It would mean that they wouldn't be bringing their baby girl home. She would never get to meet her sister or hold Bunny or do all the things he had thought about since Beckett told him she was pregnant. Squaring his jaw, he resolved to be there for Beckett, no matter what. They were the ones left behind and she'd need all the strength he had to offer, no matter how much she fought it; and he knew she would. As soon as they left here, he wouldn't be dealing with Kate anymore. Detective Beckett was a persona she wore like a mask, to keep people out and as soon as they left, he was enemy number one. If only because he wanted to help her.

Opening the door, Castle immediately noticed how pale Beckett looked. It made her auburn hair seem darker as it splayed across the white hospital linens. He pulled up the chair next to her bed and held her hand.

"Castle?" she rasped. Beckett turned her head slightly and regarded him with hazy eyes.

"Welcome back. You had us all worried there for awhile."

"M'sorry," she mumbled, fighting the anesthetic.

"It's okay, just don't do it again. I thought Esposito was going to have a heart attack."

"Esposito's a wuss."

Castle laughed, kissing the back of her hand.

"What about the baby?" she asked, watching his face carefully.

"A little girl," he replied, brushing a strand of hair from her face.

"Go on then, say it."

"What?"

"I told you so."

He smiled, cupping her cheek gently.

"I think you get a free pass for this one."

"Did you name her?" Beckett yawned.

"Anna Rose," he whispered, the name bringing fresh tears to his eyes.

"Anna Rose Castle. I think I would have agreed to that."

"I'm so glad you approve," he smiled, pressing a kiss to her forehead as she drifted off.

"Rick?"

"Yes, love?"

"Don't let me shut you out, later when this hurts more. Promise me you won't, even when I want to forget all about her."

"I promise. Sleep now darling, I'll be here when you wake up."

Beckett nodded, letting her eyes fall closed, one hand coming up to grasp the ring around her neck.

XxxxX

It was four days later when Beckett was discharged. Esposito, Ryan and Karpowski had showed up for crowd control with the paparazzi that had gathered since word of Detective Beckett's sudden collapse had been spread. Castle's publicist had been doing rapid, diligent damage control, managing the keep the negative press to a minimum. Despite Gina's best efforts, news of the baby and miscarriage had leaked and blazed a trail through the rumor mill.

Beckett felt the pain killers and anti anxiety medication kicking in, making her sleepy, as Castle pulled the hood of her sweater up over her head. He buttoned her coat and put a pair of aviator sunglasses on her face to shield her eyes.

"Alright lazy bones," Castle said, helping Beckett into the wheelchair.

A nurse wheeled her down the hall to the elevator, while Castle walked beside her and the three other detectives walked in front. They got to the lobby before Beckett grabbed Castle's hand.

"What's wrong?" he asked, kneeling in front of her.

"I can't- I don't want them to see me like this," Beckett whispered, trying to shake off the medications fast effects.

"Well we can try another door, but they're going to see the car move," Castle said, rubbing her thigh through the track pants she wore.

"No, just, not in a wheelchair. I don't want to be splashed all over page six looking crippled."

Castle nodded, understanding her need to salvage as much pride as possible. He thought for a moment, before putting his own sunglasses on.

"Hang on to me," he said, lifting her into a standing position. Beckett's legs shook as the drugs relaxed her muscles.

Knowing that she wasn't going to be able to walk far enough, he lifted her into his arms again, one arm behind her knees and the other at her back.

"It's just you and me."

He felt Beckett nod, burying her face in the crook of his neck. The three detectives looked to him for the ready signal and he nodded. They walked out with Karpowski and Ryan on either side of the couple and Esposito clearing people out of the way in front of them. Flash bulbs went off, and fifty different people called Castle and Beckett's names. Castle felt Beckett's grip on his neck tighten as she whimpered from the sudden onslaught of sound and activity.

At the curb, Castle saw a dark SUV with tinted windows waiting for them. Karpowski held the door while Castle and Beckett got in, then jumped in the passenger seat. Ryan went around to the other side and got in beside Beckett on the bench seat, while Esposito got behind the wheel.

"Courtesy of our friends at the FBI," Esposito said, answering Castle's unanswered question.

"Sorenson heard what happened and sends his condolences."

Castle just nodded, wrapping an arm around Beckett's shoulders and resting a cheek on top of her head.

The detectives helped Castle get Beckett into the lobby, past more press, then left to couple with their best wishes. It was late afternoon when Castle carried Beckett through the apartment door. She lay limply in his arms as the pain medication took over fully and her head lolled against his shoulder. Alexis came downstairs when she heard Martha opening the door, having been kept from the hospital due to the large amount of paparazzi present. Her grandmother had assigned her the task of making sure any traces of the baby were put away.

"Everything's ready, Dad," she said, taking the overnight bag from her grandmother.

"Thanks sweetheart. Let me just get her to bed, I'll be down in a little while."

Alexis and Martha watched as Castle carried Beckett upstairs to their bedroom.

Carefully, he set Beckett on the bed, and removed her shoes, sunglasses, and coat. Next came the fluffy socks, knowing she had to sleep barefoot, and the baggy NYPD sweater. Alexis had made the bed and turned down the covers, leaving Castle to arrange Beckett under the down comforter. She rolled to her side and Castle laid a body pillow beside her, making sure she couldn't hurt herself. Rubbing her shoulder lightly, he whispered that he would be downstairs if she needed anything.

"Rick?" she mumbled, already going back to sleep.

"Yeah Kate."

"Can you- I-," she stumbled, trying to arrange her sleepy thoughts.

"What do you need, honey?" he asked, coming back to the bed.

"Bunny."

He bit his lip against the now painful memory, and nodded.

Going to the room at the end of the hall, his hand once again faltered on the door knob. The empty room held too many metaphors for how he was feeling, what was ahead of them. Castle laid his head against the wooden door, taking a deep breath before pushing it open.

Light from the street filtered into the mostly empty room, landing upon the antique rocking chair where Bunny sat. For a moment, he picked up the rabbit and just held it, wishing it was his baby instead. He allowed himself a few quiet minutes before shutting his grief away and returning to the strength that Beckett would need from him.

When he returned to the bedroom, Beckett was already asleep, curled around the body pillow. Castle tucked the bunny under her arm and pulled the blankets up to her shoulder, then left the room, leaving the door open slightly.

Martha and Alexis were sitting at the kitchen island when Castle appeared back downstairs. He slid onto a barstool and put his head in his hands, sighing deeply.

"How is she?" Alexis asked.

"The doctor said she's going to be fine," he said, trying to keep the snappy tone from his voice. Castle's patience was beginning to wear thin for people who asked him that question. How did they think she was? She'd just lost a child. Up until now, he didn't think it was possible to hurt as much as he did. Castle could only imagine what Beckett must feel.

"Why don't you go have a shower and get some sleep?" Martha suggested, sensing her son's darkening mood.

"I will," he grumped.

"I'm going to finish my homework," Alexis announced, putting her glass in the sink. She hugged Castle tightly before going back upstairs.

"Richard, dear," Martha said, taking her son's hand.

"I know you're hurting right now, but perhaps you and Kate should consider talking to someone. You know, when she's feeling better."

Castle pulled his hand back like he'd been burned.

"We're going to be just fine," he growled dangerously.

He got up to leave, stopping at the bottom of the stairs.

"Don't you dare mention this to Kate," he glared.

Martha sat in stunned silence as she watched her son walk up the steps.

XxxxX

Castle walked into his bedroom, still angry. His gaze softened as he looked upon a sleeping Beckett. She had pulled Bunny to her chest, protecting the only thing left of their baby, even in sleep. Her feet twitched and her grip on the rabbit tightened as her brow furrowed.

He waited a moment, to see if Beckett would settle on her own. When her breathing increased into harsh panting, Castle stepped forward and climbed onto the bed, laying out beside her.

"Hush love, I'm right here," he said softly, brushing a lock of hair behind her ear.

Beckett bolted awake, twisting away from whatever held her in her dream. Castle threw the body pillow to the end of the bed and tried to get her to focus.

"Kate, sweetie. It's okay."

"No," she said, hot tears spilling down her face and soaking a tightly clutched Bunny.

"They took her and I couldn't find her. She was crying, telling me she was afraid of the dark and I couldn't find her."

Castle sat up and gently cradled her against his chest, rocking her slowly.

"I want my baby, Rick."

No words could get past the block of emotion in his throat, making his jaw tremble from the effort not to cry. He could feel Bunny's button nose pressing into his chest through the shirt he wore and Castle had to bite his lip.

Eventually Beckett's crying ceased and her breathing evened out as the pain killers took over again. Castle laid her back down, tucking the duvet in around her and Bunny. Then he made sure she was sleeping before going into the bathroom and shutting the door.

Turning on the shower, he pulled off his clothes while the water warmed, then stepped in and let the stream wash over him. Castle braced an arm on the wall while the image of that dark haired little girl swam through his head. He felt the sorrow overtake him, glad the shower drowned out the sound of the deep, wrenching cries that tore through him as he sunk to his knees.

XxxxX

Castle stuck his head into Alexis's room, seeing on her bed reading a book.

"Hey Dad, what's up?" she asked, sitting up and crossing her legs.

"Have you seen your Grandmother?"

"Oh, she left a little while ago. Something about meeting some friends for dinner, why?"

Castle sighed, coming to sit on the end of her bed.

"I've got a meeting with Paula about the new book. She's talked the publishers into giving me an extension, but they want me there to talk it over."

"So go," Alexis said.

"Kate and I will be fine. She'll be asleep for awhile yet and I'm sure I can handle bringing her whatever she needs."

Castle bit his lip, unsure. He knew she was right and Beckett would be asleep until well after he was back, but she had good days and bad days. So far that day hadn't been one of her better ones.

"Dad, I promise to call you if something happens."

He could picture the angry lecture from Paula if he cancelled, and he really did need that extension.

"Okay, but if you need me, I'm only a phone call away," he said, as Alexis started leading him to the hallway.

"Yes Dad."

"And if she wakes up, just tell her I'll be back in a couple hours. There's soup in the fridge if she's hungry, and make sure that she has Bunny."

"I know Dad," Alexis said, handing him his coat and pushing him out the front door. Closing the door, she sighed in relief, feeling sorry for whoever babysat her the first time.

Alexis looked up from her book, listening for sounds from across the hall. Eventually her ears picked up the sounds of muted scuffling coming from her father's room. Setting her book down, Alexis walked across the hall to check on Beckett.

The dim light in the bedroom cast shadows where Beckett slept. Alexis saw her hands fist in the sheets as she whimpered and cried out. Quietly, Alexis walked around to Beckett's side of the bed. She reached out a hand, resting it on the woman's shoulder.

Beckett jolted awake, wincing when she flipped to face a startled Alexis. The girl made a note never to sneak up on Beckett when she wasn't drugged.

"Alexis? What-" she frowned, trying to focus.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you. It's just you were having a nightmare and Dad's not here."

Seeing she was trying to sit up, Alexis rushed forward to help then sat beside her.

"Where did he go?"

"He had a meeting with his agent. He shouldn't be gone for more than a couple hours. In the mean time, it's just you and me. Do you need anything?"

Beckett sighed, yawning.

"What time is it?"

"A little after five. Are you hungry? Dad mentioned soup, but I could do something else if you wanted," Alexis rambled, unsure how to handle the situation.

"Soup would be great. Can you pass me my robe there, over the back of the chair."

"I can bring it up to you," said Alexis, handing Beckett the flannel housecoat.

"It's alright. I need a change of scenery anyway," she smiled, attempting to stand.

Her legs shook unsteadily beneath her and Alexis took one of her arms, putting it across her shoulders and letting Beckett lean on her.

"My dad would kill me if he found out you did this on your own," Alexis insisted.

Understanding, and grateful for the excuse, Beckett let the girl help shoulder her slight weight as they slowly walked from the bedroom, down the hall to the stairs. Beckett held the railing while Alexis helped her down one step at a time until they reached the bottom. They stumbled slightly as they reached the couch, but Beckett stretched out across the leather, glad for the warmth of the fireplace.

After making sure Beckett was comfortable, Alexis went back up the stairs to retrieve the pill bottles and Bunny from her father's room. She put the pills on the table and handed the toy to Beckett, who took it with a thankful smile.

"So Dad has chicken noodle in here," Alexis called from the kitchen.

Worried when there was no response, she walked over to find Beckett fast asleep again. She rolled her eyes, smiling and went back upstairs to retrieve her book. Alexis settled in the corner of the sectional sofa, arranging Beckett so she slept with her head resting in Alexis's lap. With one hand to hold the book and turn the pages, Alexis ran her fingers gently through Beckett's auburn hair, hoping the sensation would keep the woman in a peaceful sleep.

Castle walked in the door, a bag of Chinese food under one arm. He stopped when he caught sight of Beckett and Alexis both asleep on the couch. Alexis had one arm stretched over the back of the couch, holding a book in loose fingers and her head tipped back at an odd angle, while Beckett was stretched out over the rest of the sofa with Bunny held tightly.

His first thought was worry for how they had gotten down there without him, but he forced himself to relax and take a moment to absorb the scene before him. Castle knew he would always miss the little girl he hadn't gotten a chance to know, but would always be forever grateful for what she had brought him. With Beckett there, even in her melancholy state, his family felt complete and whole. Alexis had the strong independent female role model he had always wanted for her, and he had the person who made his world turn and forced him to be a better example himself.

"Hey munchkin. What are you guys doing down here?" he whispered, shaking Alexis lightly.

"Dad? When did you get back?"

"Just now. Is everything alright?"

"Fine. Kate was hungry so I was going to make her soup, but she fell asleep before I could."

"She didn't fall did she?" he asked worriedly.

"No, Dad."

"Did you?"

Alexis sighed and gave him an exasperated look she could have only learned from Beckett.

"Okay, okay. I brought Chinese if you're hungry. I'm just going to get Kate back to bed."

"She's been in bed for two days Dad. I think she was starting to go a little stir crazy. Can't she just stay here and eat with us?"

Castle sighed.

"We'll see what she says. Go on, get a plate and start eating. I'll be there in a minute."

Alexis nodded, carefully extracting herself from under Beckett's head then walking out to the kitchen where the bag of food sat on the counter.

Castle rubbed Beckett's shoulder gently, not wanting to startle her.

"Kate. Honey wake up. Just for a minute."

He smiled when her hazel eyes fluttered open and gazed at him groggily.

"Rick? Where's Alexis?"

"She's in the kitchen. I brought Chinese home, do you think you could eat some?" he asked, knowing her appetite had been meager at best since she'd checked into the hospital.

"I think so," she said, slowly accepting his help and sitting up.

"Alexis said you went for a walk today."

"I'm feeling it now," Beckett winced as her muscles cramped in protest.

"Dr. Fielding said you should be taking it easy for a couple weeks."

"I know, I know. I promise, no more field trips without you for awhile," she said, kissing him slowly.

"You talk too much you know that? Now let's get to the table before Alexis starts to worry."

Castle laughed and carefully lifted her into his arms.

XxxxX

Beckett winced as her cramping abdomen pulled her from sleep. In the week and a half she had been home, the painkillers Dr. Fielding prescribed had been slowly reduced. Castle mostly left it up to her when she wanted to take them, but with the lessened medication came more awareness. The comfortable drug induced haze she had been drifting through was beginning to clear, leaving room for the ever present heartbreak.

She looked to Castle beside her, still sleeping. The opportunity to just watch him sleep was such a rarity, that she swallowed her pill and lay down with an arm propping her head up. Beckett studied his face, still handsome even after all he'd been through. A five o'clock shadow and the dark circles beneath his eyes belied the stress he had been under, because of her. She couldn't help, but feel guilty for consuming most of his time, even though he assured her that there was nowhere else he'd rather be.

It was becoming obvious that he used taking care of her to avoid the pain he had to be feeling. Beckett couldn't help but wonder if he even still wanted her around, or if he took care of her out of a misguided sense of obligation. She fought with herself on a daily basis to try and return the strength he had given her, to let him fall apart as completely as she had. However he made it so easy to rely on that unwavering dedication and support he offered that she found herself disinclined to pick up her own pieces and help him do the same.

Castle stirred, his light sleep letting him sense when Beckett was awake, and rolled to face her as she studied him.

"Hey," he said quietly.

"Everything alright?"

Beckett nodded, running her index finger over the line of his brow, following it down to the curve of his jaw.

"She would have had your eyes, you know," she observed casually, dropping her head to lay on the pillow, mirroring his position.

"Oh yeah?"

"You, your mother, and Alexis all have the same eyes. I think Anna would have had them too."

He smiled a little shakily, taking her hand and running his thumb over her knuckles.

"I think she would have looked exactly like you," Castle murmured, studying her calm face.

"Those stubborn Beckett genes."

"She may have looked exactly like me, but she would have been a Castle through and through," Beckett said, smiling sadly.

They lapsed into a silence, watching each other and thinking about what could have been. What almost was. Castle thought on how their baby's death affected them so much, yet technically she was never alive.

"You say her name sometimes, when you're sleeping," Beckett said, keeping the same calm tone despite the yawn that punctuated her sentence.

Castle looked down at their joined hands, avoiding her eyes.

"What do you see? When you're dreaming about her."

"Nothing," Castle choked, holding her hand tighter than was needed.

"Hey," she said, letting go and cupping his face with both hands.

"What?" he sniffled, trying in vain to keep his emotions in check. She fixed him with her patented 'you know what' stare and he pulled away, turning his back to her and sitting on the edge of the bed, head in his hands.

Beckett crawled stiffly over to him, wishing her body would cut her a break.

"It's okay to miss her, you know," she said, rubbing his back in light circles.

Castle pulled away, standing abruptly.

"I said it's nothing. Just leave it!" he growled, opening the bedroom door and disappearing into the darkened hallway.

Beckett sat stunned for a moment, unused to their sudden role reversal. Usually it was Castle prodding her to open up and she now knew what he felt like when she was determined to keep him out. Shaking her head, Beckett stood on protesting muscles, ignoring the little voice telling her to just leave him alone. She retrieved her house coat from its position draped over an armchair in the corner and walked out into the hallway.

In the time she had been home, her mobility had been slowly increasing, but she had yet to do the stairs on her own and definitely not with a fresh dose of pain killers rapidly working through her system. Despite knowing Castle would be even more angry with her, Beckett held the railing tightly and started down the stairs.

At the bottom, she spotted a light on in the otherwise dark apartment. Of course he would go to his study, the one place he had control over everything. Quietly she maneuvered around the living room furniture in the early morning darkness, coming to lean heavily on the doorway.

Castle looked up when he heard her approach, eyes widening when he saw her standing in his doorway.

"What are you doing!" he exclaimed in alarm.

Dropping the photo he had been holding, Castle hurried to her.

"You're not the only one who can be a stubborn ass," she muttered, resting her head against his chest.

"I swear, one of these days you're going to put me in an early grave," he said, pulling her close and trying not to imagine any worst case scenarios.

"Just keeping you on your toes Castle."

Castle shook his head, leading her to the couch. He reclined against one arm of the sectional, making sure Beckett was comfortable against him, then covered them with the couch blanket.

"It's mostly little things." His quiet voice seemed loud in the stillness.

"Sometimes we're at the park and I'm pushing her on the swings and she keeps yelling 'Higher, Daddy, higher!' and laughing every time she goes just that bit farther. Other times I'm sitting at my desk writing and Anna's sleeping on my chest, but she always wakes up and wants down when you get home. She would always know when you were home," Castle trailed off as his voice filled with tears.

Beckett felt his head drop to her shoulder as he cried. She ran her hands down his arms where they wrapped around her waist and leaned back, twisting to press her forehead to his temple.

"I can't promise this will ever be okay," Beckett whispered when his sobs had calmed.

"But I do know it gets easier." She reached a hand up to Castle's chin, turning his face towards her and kissing him slowly.

Beckett gave him her touch, her kiss and let it comfort him in a way her words never could. Castle shifted them gently so he was above her, mindful of Beckett's still aching muscles, and nuzzled the crook of her neck.

As Beckett ran her hands up his back, feeling the muscles flex under the t-shirt he wore, she was reminded of the last time they had been in that position. He had smelled of expensive aftershave, and while intoxicating, Beckett much preferred him now, sleep and soap from his shower before bed. That night they had been hurried, the champagne making them needy and in search of physical gratification. She remembered how warm he had been, sleeping with her spooned against him. So warm that she had kicked off the heavy comforter, despite the October chill.

"Rick," Beckett winced as her muscles contracted painfully.

"Are you okay? I'm not hurting you am I?" said Castle, sitting back. He saw her struggling to sit up and moved forward to help her recline against the arm of the sofa, propped up by throw pillows.

"I'm sorry, I got carried away."

"Rick, it's fine. Believe me, if we didn't have to wait for Dr. Fielding's okay, we'd be continuing this."

Castle laughed, letting their foreheads rest together and giving her a quick peck on the lips.

"Guess what?" he said, leaning against the opposite couch arm and bringing her feet into his lap.

"Hmm?" Beckett murmured, closing her eyes as he massaged the arches of her feet.

"Merry Christmas."

Beckett looked at her watch which read just after three am.

"What do you know. Merry Christmas, Castle."

"You go back to sleep, Alexis will be down soon. She always gets up early, since she was little."

She nodded, bumping their knees together with a smile and curled further into the plush cushions.

XxxxX

True to Castle's word, Alexis came hurrying down the stairs at seven with a sleepy Martha in tow. Alexis wrapped her arms around Castle's shoulders, startling him awake, while Martha crawled to the kitchen to put coffee on.

"Morning Midget," Castle said, turning to kiss his daughter's cheek.

Beckett stirred from the other end of the couch, muttering a groggy greeting to the red head, and attempting to rouse from her drug induced sleep. Martha sunk into one of the easy chairs with her mug while Alexis went back and forth to the tree, handing out everyone's gifts.

After presents, Beckett napped on the couch, lulled by the heat of the fire, while Castle, Martha, and Alexis polished off the pancakes and French toast that Castle had made.

"So what time do you want to head down to Rockefeller?" Alexis asked, helping her grandmother load the dishwasher.

"It's going to be packed if we don't get there early."

"Alexis, I'm not going this year. You and Gram can go, but I'm staying here with Kate," Castle sighed.

"What? But Dad, we go every year," Alexis protested.

"Just you and me."

"I'm sorry Alexis, but I can't leave Kate. We'll go some other time, when she's feeling better."

"You never have time for anything but her anymore," Alexis snapped, crossing her arms and hugging herself, looking down.

"That's enough!" said Castle sharply, startling both Martha and Alexis who had never heard her father truly angry with her before.

"We can't go skating today. Kate's health is a little more important than some silly tradition. I'm sorry."

Castle stood, coming around the edge of the couch.

"No Dad, I'm sorry," Alexis sniffled, tears beginning to fall.

"I'm sorry that the baby is gone and I'm sorry you and Kate are hurting, but you're not the only ones. Gram and I lost someone too."

Castle stood, stunned as Alexis ran up the stairs. He looked to his mother as she made to follow her granddaughter up the stairs.

"She's not wrong, Richard," Martha shrugged, taking her coffee mug with her upstairs.

As she disappeared, Castle paced behind the couch like a caged tiger with his hands angrily fisted behind his head. Everything had seemed to be getting better, but he couldn't deny that Alexis was right. He had been so focused on bottling his own emotions and supporting Beckett, that he had forgotten about the rest of his family. Guilt struck fast and hard when Castle thought about how Alexis had done nothing but be there and wait for his attentions since he had carried Beckett through the door.

"You have to talk to them you know," came a sleepy voice from the couch.

Castle hurried back around to the front of the couch and sat down beside Beckett, pulling her feet into his lap.

"I'm sorry you had to hear that. Alexis didn't mean it, she was just angry," said Castle, stroking her knee with his thumb.

"Rightly so," Beckett mumbled.

"I've been taking up most of your time."

"It's fine. I love you and there's nothing else that I'd rather be doing."

"I love you too, but I think Alexis needs you a little more than I do right now. Go skating, talk, spend time with her and your mother. I'll be okay for a few hours."

"Honey, you can barely walk by yourself. What if something happens? What if you fall?" he said.

Beckett took his hands, making him look at her. She recognized the fear in his eyes; it was the same look she had worn every time her father had taken a drink after her mother's death.

"Rick, I'm not going anywhere. I know you're afraid of losing me, but you can't hover over me every second of every day forever. Eventually I'll go back to work and then what?"

"I know. I'm starting to think my mother may have had the right idea," Castle said, looking at their hands, how their fingers wove together.

"And what's that?"

"The night you came home, she suggested that we talk to someone. I brushed it off at the time, but I don't think it would be such a bad idea now, even just once or twice."

"Your mother's a smart woman. Go skating today and we'll look in to booking someone after the holiday."

"Thank you," he said, kissing her forehead.

"I don't know what I would do without you."

"Lucky for you I'm stubborn so you won't be finding out any time soon," Beckett smirked.

"Now give me a kiss and go make a fool of yourself in the snow. Make sure Alexis brings her phone, I want to see you wipeout. We could send Ryan and Esposito a Castle crash montage for Christmas."

"You are a cruel woman Kate Beckett… and I am hopelessly besotted," Castle sighed, leaning in and pressing his lips to hers.

XxxxX

Castle sat in the waiting room with Beckett, Alexis and his mother, waiting for their therapist to call their names. He had sat down with his mother, Alexis and Beckett after Christmas and discussed the possibility of a few family sessions after the holidays were finished. They had all agreed on Dr. Caroline Palmer, Martha having been recommended her through a friend. Dr. Palmer had talked Castle through their situation and set up an initial individual meeting with each of them before bringing them all back together for the family session.

"Ms. Beckett? Dr. Palmer will see you now," trilled Dr. Palmer's secretary.

Beckett squeezed Alexis's hand briefly and kissed Castle before following the secretary back to Dr. Palmer's office.

The space was comforting, set up more like a living room than an office. It was dotted with overstuffed furniture and painted in warm, neutral colors. Dr. Palmer sat behind a desk set apart from the sitting area, her blonde hair pulled into a loose bun.

"Ah Detective, have a seat. I'll be right there," she smiled, her blue eyes inviting. Dr. Palmer typed a few last sentences on her laptop before shutting the lid and taking up a notebook, coming to sit across from Beckett in a large easy chair.

Dr. Palmer went over some easy questions about Beckett's job and her current family situation. Beckett could feel herself relaxing under the petite woman's presence.

"So Detective Beckett, what are your feelings on the miscarriage? Have they changed at all since it happened?"

Beckett paused, mulling over the answer.

"I guess they haven't really changed. I still feel guilty."

"Guilty?"

"Like it's my fault that we lost the baby. I keep thinking that it has to be something that I did, or that if I'd done something differently," Beckett said, eyes welling with tears.

"I keep going back to the beginning. I wasn't going to keep her, I didn't want her and now I feel like I'm being punished because of it. A small part of me can't help but wonder if Rick is angry with me, for losing the baby. Sometimes I'm so angry at myself it's hard to believe that he's not mad too."

Dr. Palmer nodded, jotting down a few things on her paper.

"And what did your doctor say about the reason for the miscarriage?"

Beckett crossed her arms and leaned into a corner of the couch.

"They said that it happens. Sometimes something is wrong with the baby and that my body knew."

"And do you believe it?"

"Not really, no."

XxxxX

"Tell me Mr. Castle, what were your thoughts when you first realized that Kate was miscarrying?" Dr. Palmer asked, noting Castle's posture. Head in his hands, elbows resting on his knees.

"I didn't believe it. In the car she said that she knew something was wrong and I didn't want to believe it. But then in the hospital, when they confirmed it, I felt like my whole world was falling out from under me."

"When she was still in surgery, what were you feeling?"

"I was afraid, terrified."

"Of?"

"Of losing her," Castle whispered.

"I walked away from her once because of my own pride and I kept thinking that if I lost her then, I would regret not being with her for the rest of my life."

"And would you say that you're trying to compensate for that now? That you still feel that way?"

He shrugged, trying to organize his thoughts.

"I guess I'm afraid that if I look away too long then something will happen. I don't know what I would do without her."

"What about when Detective Beckett returns to her job next month?"

"I'll worry every second that she's out there. But we've been working on it and I think that in time I might be, not okay with it, but more accepting? I don't think I'll ever be back the way I was before. Even when she was pregnant. I was too happy, but now I know how quickly that can disappear."

"Do you feel that you will be able to deal with those feelings?"

"The jury's still out on that one Doc."

XxxxX

"So tell me Alexis, why do you feel you're here?"

Alexis crossed her legs, tapping her fingers on her thigh.

"I think it's because my Dad cares enough to make sure that I'm okay with everything that happened, even if there's things I can't tell him."

"And do you think that you are? Okay with it all, that is."

Alexis frowned in thought, trying to formulate the most honest answer.

"I think that it's always going to be something painful, but overall, now that my Dad knows how I feel, everything is going to be not perfect, but better."

"That's a very mature opinion," Dr. Palmer remarked, jotting down notes on her pad.

"I'd like to think that I'm a mature person."

XxxxX

Martha fussed with her clothes and her hair, not sure how to begin.

"So Ms. Rogers, what are your opinions of Kate Beckett?"

"I think she's far too good for my son," Martha laughed.

Dr. Palmer smiled, joining in her mirth.

"Truthfully, I believe she's the greatest thing to happen to this family in a good long while. And when we found out about the baby, well it was like a completely different household. I've only ever seen Richard that happy when he found out about Alexis."

"And now? How do you feel about it now?"

"Well a parent should never lose a child. If I could save Richard and Kate the pain of knowing that I would. It's a mother's prerogative I suppose."

"Yes, I suppose it is," Dr. Palmer agreed.

XxxxX

After finishing the last of their solo interviews, Dr. Palmer gathered them all together for their last hour. She helped them say what they felt that they couldn't and gave them subtle reminders about things they had spoken about alone. In the end there were tears, but all four could feel a sort of catharsis set in and agreed that it had been a good idea.

"She's nice. I like her," Alexis said, as they walked out of the office and into the January cold. Castle held Beckett's hand on one side, with Alexis curled into his other side and holding his mother's hand behind his daughter's back.

"Easy to talk to," Martha agreed.

Castle walked forward to hail a cab, but Beckett kept his hand, pulling him back.

"It's a nice day out," she said, looking to Martha and Alexis, who nodded.

"I think I could use a walk."

-Fin-


End file.
